


Burning Cold

by FreshMilko



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Amazing and Supportive Akaashi Keiji, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dissociation, Emotional Dysregulation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentally Ill Bokuto Koutarou, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-30 23:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12119958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreshMilko/pseuds/FreshMilko
Summary: Bokuto has a breakdown. Akaashi is there to help Bokuto stand back up by showing him exactly why he's in love with him.





	Burning Cold

**Author's Note:**

> I'm purposefully leaving some things vague so that anyone can interpret it however they feel is right. However if you want to know my thinking behind the fic just ask and I'll tell you!
> 
> This is extremely self indulgent and I'm sorry in advance for hurting Bokuto like this. 
> 
> Warning for self harm and panic attacks. Mind the tags!

Akaashi Keiji slams the door to his shared apartment with a sigh escaping his lips. Today had been rough, his lab partner hadn’t done his assigned work and Keiji had had to help him finish after lab, long after classes ended so they could get their research in before tomorrow. Keiji couldn’t wait to get home and take a nap, preferably snuggled in his boyfriend’s arms.

Koutarou should be home by now, even if he did stay behind for hours of extra training, which happens more often than not.

Keiji slips out of his shoes and drops his bag on the foyer table, too tired of school work to care at the moment. As he pads into the kitchen he hears the shower running from down the hall,  _ oh, he must have just gotten back. _ Keiji pours himself a glass of water and continues to their bedroom. The door is hanging open and inside is  _ chaos _ .

A chill runs down Keiji’s back as he steps into the room. Clothes lay strewn all over the room, the dresser shelves pulled out and the normally folded clothes completely disheveled. One shelf hangs by one hinge out of the dresser, listing to the side. Koutarou’s suitcase lies on its side at the foot of the bed, crumpled clothes spilling out of the open flap.

Keiji sets his glass down on the now cluttered bedside table and slowly walks back to the bathroom. As he gets closer he hears the sound of choked sobs and desperate keens. He knocks on the door.

“Koutarou?” Keiji’s voice is soft and reassuring, a stark contrast to the sharp fear squeezing his chest.

No answer but running water and the continued muffled sobs through the door.

“Kou, I’m coming in.”

Keiji quietly opens the door and steps into the bathroom. Koutarou whimpers from behind the shower curtain and that’s all the encouragement Keiji needs to pull it aside.

A gasp slips from Keiji’s lips as he sees Koutarou, sitting curled on the floor of the tub in soaking boxers, knees to chest, hair half drenched and half clumped in wet gel. Fresh bloody scratches line his legs and arms, fingernails caked in gore. He’s violently shaking as the water runs down his legs and chest, teeth chattering as he claws at the skin on his stomach, and Keiji realizes the water is ice cold.

He quickly shuts it off, kneeling next to Koutarou and gently touching his cheek. It’s cold to the touch.

Koutarou jolts, delayed, and sluggishly looks up at the shower nozzle and then back to Keiji. He sits tense for a moment then weakly pushes Keiji away. Koutarou’s voice is weak and hoarse, “Go away.”

Keiji stiffens, usually when Koutarou is this upset he  _ wants _ Keiji around. Something is different this time, and from the state of Koutarou’s arms and legs, it’s worse.

“Koutarou what happened? I’m not going to leave you. Talk to me,” Keiji says gently. He hopes Koutarou didn’t hear his voice shake in worry.

Those words set Koutarou off again, he bites back another sob and struggles to stand. Keiji reaches out to steady and support him but Koutarou knocks his hands away, leaning his weight on the wall.

Koutarou slowly attempts to step out of the tub but loses his balance and nearly nose dives into the tile floor, had Keiji not caught his chest and righted him. Yet again, he pushes Keiji away and stiffly leans onto the wall, dragging himself out of the bathroom and into their bedroom.

Keiji follows, worriedly twisting his fingers, voice taking on a new urgency as he speaks, “Koutarou, what’s going on?”

Koutarou ignores him, struggling to change out of his sodden boxers for dry ones he picks up off the ground. If Keiji tries to help or support him, Koutarou just pushes him away. Keiji hovers nervously, not knowing what happened or why Koutarou is acting this way. He needs to treat his wounds, too. And the suitcase is the most worrying part. Keiji’s mind swirls with negative thoughts and possibilities, it’s all he can do not to grab Koutarou and beg him to tell him what’s wrong.

But that would only hurt Koutarou worse, stressing him out even more. Keiji finds a clean, soft pair of sweatpants and sets them down near Koutarou. Koutarou doesn’t seem to notice, but when his eyes scan the floor he picks them up. He attempts to wrestle the pants on but his balance is off, he falls onto the bed, sobs returning and hands clenching at the fabric.

Keiji decides he needs to say  _ something _ , to help  _ somehow _ , because just standing and watching his partner fall apart is just too painful. He slowly approaches Koutarou and crouches to eye-level, grasping Koutarou’s shoulder with a gentle firmness. He speaks, struggling to keep his voice level, “Koutarou, you need to communicate with me. What are you doing with your suitcase? Is there somewhere you need to go? I’ll go with you, so please talk to me.”

“No, no _you_ _can’t come!_ ” Koutarou snaps, voice hoarse. His breaths begin to come quicker and he sniffles, tears beginning to flow again.

“What do you mean? Where are you going?” Keiji tries to keep the panic out of his voice.

Koutarou tries to pull away again but this time Keiji moves with him, not letting go. Koutarou seems to give up and slump down, staring at his hands in his lap.

It takes him a few moments before he is able to whisper, “I’m leaving, Akaashi. You won’t have to deal with me anymore.”

Keiji tries to process the words but they just make no sense. He tries to reply a few times, but all that comes out is, “...What?”

Koutarou continues, slightly stronger despite the heavy flow of tears, “I know you’re only here because you are a really good person, but I don’t wanna hold you back anymore. You’re amazing, Keiji, you could be with anyone! You shouldn’t be stuck with me. I can’t do anything for you.”

The words shock Keiji out of his confusion and his hands tighten around Koutarou’s shoulders. “Koutarou, what happened? Did someone say something to you? What made you think this way? Why are you trying to leave me?”

“No! Nothing, it doesn’t matter! I just.. Thought about it. I don’t deserve someone like you, when I’m like  _ this. _ You always take care of me when I’m… I’m low. I’m just a  _ burden _ on you and I don’t wanna drag you down anymore. I mean, I’m weird! I’m stupid, I can’t control myself, I act like an idiot, and I don’t do anything right most of the time! I know people don’t really care when I talk too much, that I’m tiring.” As Koutarou continues to speak, the words become more and more watery as he tries holding back his tears, but after the last word he sobs, the dam spilling over.

Koutarou begins to claw at his arms again, small drops of blood welling under broken scabs and fresh scratches. Keiji reaches down and takes Koutarou’s hands in his, rubbing soothing circles with his thumbs into Koutarou’s palm.

Koutarou continues to cry, body wracked with shivers and hiccups. Keiji can make out stutters of “I can’t do anything” “You should leave me” and “I’m too  _ heavy. _ ”

Keiji hugs him as he shudders until the sobs fade to whimpers.

Keiji then takes a deep breath to steady himself and quickly goes to grab his favorite soft oversized sweater. He brings it back and places it on Koutarou’s lap, sitting next to him on the bed.

Keiji’s voice is soft and only slightly trembles, “Come on, Kou, you need to warm up. Get dressed and then let’s please talk about this, okay?” Koutarou nods and Keiji rubs his arm and helps him into the sweater and pants, careful of his injuries.

“I want you to listen to me. Look at me and listen to me.” Keiji says, voice still soft but with an undertone of insistence. Koutarou raises his head enough to stare at Keiji’s lips. Eye contact distracts Koutarou, and half the time he can’t even look near Keiji after an episode, so this satisfies Keiji.  “Do you trust me?”

Koutarou nods again so Keiji grabs his hands and continues.

“Then trust that I’m telling you the truth when I say you aren’t a burden. I’m not with you because I feel bad or I’m too nice to leave, or anything like that. I’m with you because I  _ want _ to be with you. Yes, downswings are sad and painful, but that’s because I  _ love _ you and I don’t want you to be upset. And I know it’s easy to only focus on the bad times, but I think you forget that I’m also there when you’re at your best. When you shine, you are brighter and more beautiful than  _ anyone _ I’ve ever seen.” Koutarou inhales sharply. “Maybe it’s because you shine so bright that you also feel so dark, I don’t know and I don’t care. All I care about is that being with you makes me  _ happy. _ Seeing you happy makes me even happier, and seeing you shine makes me shine, too. And even when you don’t feel like you are worth anything, I still see the worth in you. I love you, through good and bad. Even when you aren’t your brightest, you are still an amazing man, you just can’t see it,” Keiji takes a trembling breath and continues,

“You don’t have to be perfect, Kou, nobody is. I’m not. You know I’ve always had a hard time with communication, my body language not quite like that of anyone else’s, and words even less so. Before highschool I had given up on making friends, much less thought I’d ever fall in love. But back then you inspired me, you still do. You were the only one of my teammates to make an effort to understand me. And that inspired our other teammates to do the same. That’s incredible.”

Koutarou sniffs, interrupting Keiji saying in a small, watery voice, “Well that.. That wasn’t anything special. I do that for everybody. Anyone coulda’ done it.”

Keiji gives a small, tight smile. “But they didn’t, and  _ you _ did. I don’t think you realize how  _ amazing _ it is to me that you can connect to anyone, and make the effort to always do so. I love that you care enough about  _ everyone _ to make a serious effort in getting to know them and making sure they are comfortable. Very few people can. It doesn’t seem amazing to you, but to me, a kid who could barely hold a conversation that usually ended with the other party so frustrated they would just leave, to me it’s just incredible. You were the one that chose to reach out to the quiet, angry looking kid with no friends. It meant  _ so much _ to me, more than you could ever understand. You didn’t know me back then, but you spoke to me and put effort into me because you are a  _ good person _ .” Keiji pauses, searching for the words to continue. 

“I know how wonderful you are. I also know that sometimes you can’t see it, and you get tired and upset and angry at yourself, but I will always love you. Because you aren’t just your flaws, you are everything about you.” A whimper escapes from Koutarou’s lips, but Keiji continues, “An amazing man with a heart of gold and the ability to do amazing things. Dealing with times where you feel low is hard, but it is so worth it. You are worth it. I know when you feel like this, you can’t bring yourself to believe any of the good things about you. I know you can only see the negatives, and it’s hard to trust people when they tell you that the positives, the things you can’t see, are still there. But I want you to trust me. Trust that I can see the good things. Trust that I know you, and trust that I truly want to be with you. Trust that I’m not with you out of pity, or whatever else your head may be telling you in the moment. Trust that I love you.” Keiji squeezes Koutarou’s hands as Koutarou keens and leans his head into Keiji’s shoulder.

“Please don’t leave me.” 

The last word ends on a shaky inhale as Keiji begins to cry. His voice wavers, “It’s hard to see you sad, but it’s not hard to be with you. It’s never hard to be with you. I don’t want to ever leave you, and I won’t. I love you.”

At the final words Koutarou lets out a sob and envelopes Keiji in a hug that brings them both down to laying on the bed, wrapped in eachothers’ arms.

Keiji leans close, voice barely a whisper, “If you ever start to doubt yourself again, we can have this conversation again. You taught me how to communicate, and I will never stop communicating my love for you. I will repeat these words as many times as it takes, until you can believe them without effort. So please, next time you have doubts, please talk to me. Does that sound fair?”

Koutarou nods with a sniff, eyes fluttering with exhaustion. Keiji hums a pleased sound and cards his fingers through Koutarou’s stiff strands, stroking the remaining gel loose. Koutarou falls asleep nearly instantly, the exhaustion finally taking over.

Keiji gets up to find their extensive first aid kit, this not being the first time this has happened, and likely not the last. He takes delicate care to bandage Koutarou up, and then finally, finally, they can sleep. Keiji strips down to his boxers, too lazy to find pajamas, and gets under the covers, cuddling up next to Koutarou’s deeply sleeping form. Succumbing to his own exhaustion, he’s asleep in mere moments.

 

* * *

 

 

Keiji wakes to the smell of a delicious breakfast and the flutter of light kisses peppering his face. He opens his eyes to find Koutarou leaning over him, a small smile lighting his exhausted face. A tray with a feast on it sits on the now clean bedside table, and Keiji sits up and blearily notices Koutarou had cleaned up the whole room.  _ He must be feeling much better, I’m so glad _ .

Koutarou leans back and looks into Keiji’s eyes as his words slip out in a rush, “I love you so much, and I’m sorry I tried to leave and… Thank you for stopping me. I love you, too ‘Kashi I wanna be with you forever.” Koutarou leans down to place another featherlight kiss on Keiji’s lips and beams.

“And I made breakfast!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this angsty mess and I hope you can get some comfort out of it!
> 
> As always kudos, comments, and bookmarks make my day!


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